Please bear with me

I hope someone sees the pain i've been carrying on for the past years.
It's not all joy and laughter in my life.
Million times, i did wanna give up on my life, and i still do sometimes.
This is not a life that i want, but then, this is not how i want to end it, so i still hang on from times to times through the pain.
This is tough, yet i hold on. Because they say it's life.

Happy birthday

It's July, used to be the month i look forward to, because it's my birthday month, i guess everybody always look forward to their birthday month, no?
This year i am turning 23, but i feel as i have failed the younger me. I was a girl with so many plans, i always thought i would be something before i turn 25. Got my degree in 3 years, and 1 year working experience, that's all i got.
I don't want to punish myself too hard, age is just a number. Some people succeeded in earlier age, others have to get lost and fail to finally succeeded.
This year, is a memorable year, a year when i literally seem like be doing nothing other than travelling and spending bucks. But behind all what's seen, i am recovering from my allergy, faster than ever, more real than ever. My allergy has not be relapsed. Even when i was in hot Saigon city or Singapore, which amazed me, and also gives me the boost that i need. It boosts me to have faith, and to be more ambitious than ever, that this year, this 2016, is gonna be the end of my allergy. I will be recovered by the end of 2016, that is what's written in my new year's resolution. I will make it happen.
I am doing whatever it takes to be recovered.
For the longest time ever, i have hated my ailment, i have been putting the blame on my ailment for all the things i couldn't, or didn't do at times. But, i actually am perfectly fine, anybody who sees me wouldn't see that i lack anything. I wish i had more courage, to conquer my fear. I wish my fear didn't eat away my self-esteem. I am ashamed of myself, for being 23, and useless as ever. Useless as in person, as in a part of the family and society.
I am not living, this 2016 is forever a blank gap, but a blank gap with blessings. I got to go to a lot of places, as travelling has always been my passion. But other than that, i am not truly living. I do not live the 23rd of my life.

Happy belated birthday, myself,
From the unimpressed self

Let 2016 be the year i am lost in my own world,
I am getting better.

Poof, life goes on no matter what

Hello, i know it's almost a year since i last wrote anything. Because whenever i have the urge to write, my laziness knocked it down. And ever since i left university, i don't use my laptop a lot. And i changed my phone, i think blogger apps is no longer on app store somehow, so well, now i am just writing from my safari in iPhone.
Life has been extremely fast if i look back now.
I resigned my previous job after 11 months of dedicating my days and nights, reason ? I got sick of my job. I am not the one who loves to sit down all day long in the office, hence i resigned. And i haven't applied any jobs, though i got a few offers that i turned down because of this and that reason, i don't wanna get into details about my jobs. So i am literally unemployed.
Honestly, it's not that i enjoy my unemployment ( doesn't mean i hate it ), the reason i don't search for jobs is because i feel like i wanna start doing something on my own, and also.., in the other hand, my allergy has gotten worst than ever. I am not confident enough to be seen in public, so i have been hiding at home behind my gadgets.
Since my resignation, i have been to China, and Thailand, and i will go to Vietnam in less than a month.
I feel like this whole me updating my life is so tedious, because well, my life is sort of boring.
But there's always a silver lining in everything, right ?
Because of this unemployment, i have had so much, like literally all day long to watch a lot of youtube tutorial about make up. I know i have never talked about my love for make up, because it started about a year ago i guess ? I adore make up, my make up collection gives me happiness. I know i sound sort of crazy, but do you know how some people are obsessed with anime toys, books, and crafty cute stuffs? Then, make up is what gives me that happiness. And i really have been looking into pursuing it professionally, but i guess, again, my allergy hasn't gotten better to the state where i could do it.
So in the mean time, i would just learn by myself.
I feel like i am wasting my life, and i hate to admit, once again, this allergy is taking over my life.
But i want this year to be the year, i will recover, i will get up again.
I am more than this allergy.
And i do hope i would somewhat get better.

Words that record feelings

There are times when i would go to my browser, type in my blog url and just read my own writings. It's like a flashback, because when i read my own writings, i could recall my feeling when i write it. 

And i kinda realized that my whole blog has always been about my love story, literally. 

Yeah, i would always keep this one little space i have on the cyber world.

So maybe later on, 3  5  or maybe 10 years later i could still come back here and look how much i have grown, and perhaps recalling on how things were so innocent and pure.

People say photos freeze the moments forever, but for me, words let me, once again, live at the moment when i wrote it. I know my blog contains the silliest in-loved teenagers thoughts, even some embarrasing things, or perhaps just some angers towards life itself. Yeah, i know i don't have the most inspirational or spectacular life, but still, i want to keep all these recorded well on my little space here.

So whenever i'm drunken by life' shits, i know i could go all tipsy and write whatever here.

It is almost a year since i got back to Medan.

And i have been officially earning money since 4 months ago.

I sort of wanna leave Medan, but in the other hand, i wanna be with my family as much too.

I still haven't been the best family member.

I couldn't just runaway when things get bad, right ?

To you who may concerns

Have you ever felt regret losing the people you lost ?

Or have you ever wanting to undo things you did ?

As people come and leave our lives, we watch them grow happy, happier than when they were with us. Sometimes we start to wonder, perhaps.., perhaps..if we were still together, we would be as happy.

I guess, it's true that when we let someone "in" our lives, they never really leave.

Even when we are no longer a joy for them, even when there were too many pain in between, they stay, in that particular part of your heart.

Well, it's not that i am sad that they are happy now.

It's just a feeling, a feeling about being un-special, the fact that we are now one less special for someone who used to revolve around us, as if we were the sunlight to them.

They said it's the pain in the past that holds me back, well it is partly true, i can't deny the fact that when people say 'happy ending', that one particular person still comes to mind. Because, my heart settled the longest for that one person, my heart once thought that one person would be the last, tho, i did mistakes, that person did mistakes.

Of course there is no more 'what if's for us, because if there were one, it would have happened. But because it weren't meant to be.., it should stay there.

The memories, the fact that happiness was once mine, are going to stay there in the corner of my heart, like i said many times.That one person will always have a special place in my life.

And i hope the search ends, and perhaps that one person can finally be happy now. 

And, i, too, am happy.